Mothers Day 2016

This Mothers Day is especially hard for me.  Even though I am so thankful to be a mother to one amazing little girl, and another baby on the way I am still finding this day to be very hard.  My mom passed away in October 2015 after fighting heart failure for two years.  Even though it was a long time coming, it was still very hard to see her go.  I remember that day just like it was yesterday, although it was just over six months ago.  My mom was medically being kept alive, the machines and meds that the doctors had her on were literally keeping her heart pumping.  She needed a heart transplant, but before they were even able to get her on the list (they tried numerous other things first), she was too sick to number 1, wait for a heart, and number 2, she would never make it through the surgery.  For the last few days we'd been hearing the same thing, there is nothing more they could do, but that morning they basically said she would never come off of the machines, and she would die up there in ICU.  She was forced to make her own decision.  Stay on medical life support for god knows how long, or turn all the meds off, go off of oxygen and go to sleep peacefully.  I'll never forget that day, my mom chose to die.  She said that she was tired, and she was ready to go.  The doctors said it was a extra emotional case, because most people who were on life support are usually unconscious, and it is their families deciding to withdrawal care, not themselves.

As soon as she made the decision, the paperwork was filed and the process was started.  With family surrounding my mom, the doctors turned off the meds, gave her something to calm her down, and eventually she fell asleep.  After she was comfortable, we removed the oxygen.  She slowly drifted away.  The whole process took approximately 5 hours.  The longest / most difficult 5 hours of my life.  Being able to sit with her, hold her hand, listen to her stories, record a goodbye video for my daughter, laugh with her, cry with her telling us to stop, sit quietly, and just be there, is bittersweet.  I'm not sure what is worse, watching someone slowly decline over a few years, and then sitting with them while they actually go, or being in an accident and them just being gone instantly. I've never dealt with the latter.

My father in law actually passed away nine days prior to my mom, and unfortunately I did not attend his funeral, as I knew it would be one less day that I would get with my mom.  I basically didn't leave the hospital that last week, and I wouldn't change it for a thing.  Those last moments with her I will always cherish.  I'm sure every holiday, birthday, mothers day, etc., will get easier with time, but so far they've all been firsts, and they suck.  As I look forward to the birth of our next child, I'm already upset knowing that she won't be there, as she was in the delivery room for our daughter, and was definitely supportive through my labour.

To my mom, to all moms out there, thank you for being there for us, no matter how horrible we were to you at times, no matter how many bad choices we made (and I've made a ton!), no matter how many times we didn't listen, thank you, thank you, thank you!  Mom, I love you and miss you!! xoxo

 Mom and I, after they'd turned off the meds

Mom, at our wedding in 2011

Saying Goodbye

Today we attended my (step)grandpas funeral, he is my step-moms dad. I will admit that I was never really close to him, if I were to walk up to him he probably wouldn't even know who I was. Makayla never did get to meet him, her great-grandpa, it really is a shame. Now that I think of it I should have made more of an effort and should have taken Makayla out to meet him. I can't go back in time now...

A Little Scare!

Last night it was really nice out, minus the mosquitoes! We went for a walk around the community, stopped at Mac's for a drink and then headed home. Around midnight or so Makayla was getting a bit cranky so I decided to make her a bottle and see if she would go to sleep. As she sat playing in the corner of the couch and I was in the kitchen she decided that it would be a good idea to fling herself forward...then onto the floor. I saw the entire thing happen, it was only about 4 seconds and there she was going head first, feet in the air off the couch! She didn't cry. I ran over and she lay there face down not moving and not making a sound. I scooped her up and as soon as I turned her towards my chest she SCREAMED!!! Good, at least she was alive!!! I checked her over and couldn't see any bumps or scratches, gave her the bottle and she was fine! Afterwards she went straight to bed and fell asleep! I think my heart actually stopped for a few seconds!! Lesson learned...no more sitting on the couch alone!

Then in the middle of the night I could hear her crying in her crib, it wasn't a normal "I need my soother" or "I'm hungry" cry, so I ran in there....well she had turned herself onto her tummy and had her legs out the slots all the way up to her crotch and she was stuck! My poor little monkey! I pulled her out and put her onto her back; then he cry changed to the "I'm hungry" cry, so I fed her and back to bed she went.

Now this has me thinking, they say to not use bumper pads on cribs because it can lead to suffocation, well having her legs stuck between the bars probably isn't any better....your thoughts?

On The Mend

My Mom has been staying with us since she was released from the hospital after getting her pacemaker. Two days ago she took off the steri-strips and this is what is underneath.

Still really tender, but definitely looking good!

A Pacemaker...

So after being in the hospital since last Thursday, my Mom had her surgery on Tuesday, they implanted a pacemaker and she was released this afternoon. I have told her that she needs to come stay with us for a while, it is better than sitting at home by herself...at least here she can be waited on a little and hang out with Makayla! Mom isn't allowed to shower for 7-10 days, to drive for a week, lift more than 5 pounds for three weeks and the list goes on...Oh well...she deserves a little time off from work; too bad it takes something like this to get some time off!

Life Can Change In The Blink Of An Eye - Part 2

I have had a few life lessons in the last little while, here is the first.

Earlier this week my Mom told me that she hadn't been feeling well for about four days; she has got high blood pressure and is on medication (which she doesn't always take properly) and I figured it was just that acting up. On Wednesday she came over for my Graffiti party, and just walking from our street to our front door she was completely out of breath, she stood at the bottom of the stairs to catch her breath, walked up our stairs and again was completely out of breath. Later in the evening she was mixing up her sentences and slurring her words, by the time she got home the left side of her face was feeling a little numb. NOT NORMAL...sounds like a stroke!

She had already booked an appointment for yesterday (Thursday) with her Doctor. When she arrived at the clinic she explained to him what had happened on Wednesday and he sent her for a ECG. She walked through the hospital to the other side for the test, all along the way having to stop and catch her breath, had the test , then walked all the way back to the clinic on the other side of the hospital. When she handed the Doctor the results he told her to sit in a wheel chair and said that she was going to the ER immediately.

My Mom then called me to let me know, as I was changing Makayla's bum I missed the call and received a message on my cell "Um....it's Mom, I am going to the emergency room right now...uhhh...I guess I'll talk to you later" I had no idea what was going on....FYI don't leave a message like this...EVER!!!!

It turns out that she has a 2nd to 3rd degree AV Node Heart Block and requires a pacemaker. She has been placed on bed rest and we will find out more in a few days!

Life Can Change In The Blink Of An Eye

It is amazing how one moment, one decision or one mistake can change everything in the blink of an eye. We are always rushing through life so quickly, we don't take time to stop and think that life is a gift and we should be thankful....and careful. Yesterday while hiking in BC, my little brother fell 40 feet head first into a rock crevasse. It took the paramedics four hours to get him out, then he was air lifted to a hospital. He is extremely lucky, very sore, has suffered a concussion and over 50 stitches in his face and head. The below is an email that his friend Josh, who was with him, wrote to his mother explaining what happened and the effect it has had on him.

Yesterday at approx. 4pm Parker, one of my best friends and brother in the Lord fell into a rock crevasse. He was right behind me. I turned around and he was gone. He fell through a moss covered hole falling about 40 feet in total and was unconscious. We were with 14 other students on top of some rock cliffs on the heights of Thetis Island about a 20 minute hike to the nearest help. The cliffs are interwoven with deep caves and crevasses that we were there to explore. We had only 1 cell phone and cell-service was in and out. We yelled "Parker" several times, no response. The next few hours seem surreal and probably always will. Parker survived through the mercies and grace of Jesus Christ with only lacerations to his face and head, a significant concussion and soreness. He was helicoptered out last night from Thetis to Vancouver Island and has already returned to school this afternoon. He has over 50 stitches on his face and head but is walking around on his own power and is in good spirits. That's Parker though, I hope you all get to meet him someday. He's one of the most positive, genuine and friendly people I've ever met.

As for me, I'm simply trying to process through it all, make sense of the jumbled chaos knot of things running constantly through my mind. Parker remembers bit and pieces, but I remember every second burned permanently into my skull. I was first on the scene inside the crevasse. I will never forget what I saw down there... his condition seemed hopeless, blood covering his head and face, looking up picturing his fall in my mind he should be dead or paralyzed. With help from above, our friends Calvin and Zinger joined us a few minutes later. We spent the next 3 hours in that hole praying with him til emergency rescue workers helped him up and out on a stretcher. The entire process took 3 hours due to the remoteness of our location combined with the crevasse factor. This particular crevasse was virtually impossible to get in to, and certainly impossible to get out. I'm sure you're wondering how I got down there and all I can say is I climbed, other than that... no idea. He was pulled out with pulleys and ropes and carabiners just after 7pm. They pulled me up a few minutes after. Physically I'm fine and in good health. Emotionally I'm the most messed up I've ever been. The staff have talked to all of us who were there and don't hold anything against us and are loving us (besides the reckless factor), the student body couldn't be more supportive and loving & God is here and has certainly been with us through it all.

I'm working through a whole heap of emotions. Last night and today has been a lot of replay in my head. I haven't seen Parker since he flew out on a chopper yesterday evening even though he's back at school now. I'm sure I will see him shortly and due to my emotional state I'll probably lose it but thats ok. I love him very much. I'll be talking with Lawrence Jensen (one of the elder staff) later today to talk through the experience and just try to get some of the "stuff" out. Lawrence is a great guy for that type of stuff and a humble man of God.

Please be praying for Parker that his face has a full recovery with minimal scaring. Pray that his life, being given to him in a new light, would be full in years and many good memories. Knowing Parker, he has already turned this new lease on life into sharing Christ with all the nurses and doctors at the hospital. I lived through a miracle yesterday, but I suppose every day, every second, every breath, is a miracle of God's faithfulness. And so the perspective starts to set in... Father teach me the value of "every day" and "every opportunity". Organize my thoughts by your Spirit that lives in me. May I discern what is of You and what is of Satan. Help me understand. Give me wisdom. Make it stick.
Josh

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Here are some pictures of my brother; before and after:

This picture was taken about two minutes before he fell

Waiting to be cleaned up and stitched up

Getting freezing in his head

The most stitches were needed here

All done and sleeping

The next afternoon

I talked to him tonight and he sounds completely normal; he said he has a bit of a headache, a sore arm and sore shoulder, other than that he is fine. This just reminds me that we really need to slow down. I love you brother and if anything good can come from this accident I hope that it is a life lesson and learning experience.