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Sunday, May 08, 2016

Mothers Day 2016

This Mothers Day is especially hard for me.  Even though I am so thankful to be a mother to one amazing little girl, and another baby on the way I am still finding this day to be very hard.  My mom passed away in October 2015 after fighting heart failure for two years.  Even though it was a long time coming, it was still very hard to see her go.  I remember that day just like it was yesterday, although it was just over six months ago.  My mom was medically being kept alive, the machines and meds that the doctors had her on were literally keeping her heart pumping.  She needed a heart transplant, but before they were even able to get her on the list (they tried numerous other things first), she was too sick to number 1, wait for a heart, and number 2, she would never make it through the surgery.  For the last few days we'd been hearing the same thing, there is nothing more they could do, but that morning they basically said she would never come off of the machines, and she would die up there in ICU.  She was forced to make her own decision.  Stay on medical life support for god knows how long, or turn all the meds off, go off of oxygen and go to sleep peacefully.  I'll never forget that day, my mom chose to die.  She said that she was tired, and she was ready to go.  The doctors said it was a extra emotional case, because most people who were on life support are usually unconscious, and it is their families deciding to withdrawal care, not themselves.

As soon as she made the decision, the paperwork was filed and the process was started.  With family surrounding my mom, the doctors turned off the meds, gave her something to calm her down, and eventually she fell asleep.  After she was comfortable, we removed the oxygen.  She slowly drifted away.  The whole process took approximately 5 hours.  The longest / most difficult 5 hours of my life.  Being able to sit with her, hold her hand, listen to her stories, record a goodbye video for my daughter, laugh with her, cry with her telling us to stop, sit quietly, and just be there, is bittersweet.  I'm not sure what is worse, watching someone slowly decline over a few years, and then sitting with them while they actually go, or being in an accident and them just being gone instantly. I've never dealt with the latter.

My father in law actually passed away nine days prior to my mom, and unfortunately I did not attend his funeral, as I knew it would be one less day that I would get with my mom.  I basically didn't leave the hospital that last week, and I wouldn't change it for a thing.  Those last moments with her I will always cherish.  I'm sure every holiday, birthday, mothers day, etc., will get easier with time, but so far they've all been firsts, and they suck.  As I look forward to the birth of our next child, I'm already upset knowing that she won't be there, as she was in the delivery room for our daughter, and was definitely supportive through my labour.

To my mom, to all moms out there, thank you for being there for us, no matter how horrible we were to you at times, no matter how many bad choices we made (and I've made a ton!), no matter how many times we didn't listen, thank you, thank you, thank you!  Mom, I love you and miss you!! xoxo

 Mom and I, after they'd turned off the meds

Mom, at our wedding in 2011

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