Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. "no, no"
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and go bathe the cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let the cat out of the refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue the cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to both kids that you have no idea if a shaved cat will get a sunburn. Throw the cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
Frosting; Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% oven and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out the front door and was heading for the street.
Put Jr. in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in his front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Monday, June 07, 2010
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Breast or Bottle Fed?
A woman and a newborn baby were waiting in the doctor's examining room for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight and was a little concerned; he asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist" the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight, you haven't got any milk". "I know" she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm sure glad I came!"
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Which Screwdriver?
While helping a friend assemble furniture, I asked her five-year-old son to bring me a screwdriver.
"Do you want a 'Daddy' screwdriver or a 'Mommy' screwdriver?" the little boy asked.
Confused but preoccupied, I absentmindedly said, "Bring me a 'Mommy' screwdriver."
The child came back and handed me a butter knife.
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Pregnancy Q & A
Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: What is a chastity belt?
A: A labor-saving device.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A: When it's a girl, for starters.
Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A: In your breasts.
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q: What are the terrible twos?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
A: Have sex once a year.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: What is a chastity belt?
A: A labor-saving device.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A: When it's a girl, for starters.
Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A: In your breasts.
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q: What are the terrible twos?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Thursday, April 01, 2010
The Pain Machine
A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor. The doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try it. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and then the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don`t you just put it all on me cause I`m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn`t feel a thing. They went home happy with pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The Mum Test
I read this today and thought it was pretty good!!
I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter today. She picked something up off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took it away from her and I asked her not to do that. 'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs' I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,'Mum, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.' I was thinking quickly and replied, 'All Mums know this stuff. It's on the Mum Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mum.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.'Oh.....I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad.' 'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.
I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter today. She picked something up off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took it away from her and I asked her not to do that. 'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs' I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,'Mum, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.' I was thinking quickly and replied, 'All Mums know this stuff. It's on the Mum Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mum.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.'Oh.....I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad.' 'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.
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